How the other-half suffers.

It has been a serious emotional 24 hours.

James and I are building a mini home on a property (1.7 acres) that we purchased last August. Before I go on…I want to say that we have felt very blessed with the purchase of our land and home. Everyone around us has helped this dream come true. We feel very loved and supportive. I am extemley happy about this, but the path to get into our home has affected my marriage negativly, as I imagine those other couples who build a home, can relate.

We moved out of our leased town home and are living in a friends Casita. We leave here in two weeks to move onto our property, God Willing. We will live in a travel trailer for 2.5 months while we wait for our home to be ready. Also, we have to leave the property for 7 days while they do the major installation, this means we will have to stay somewhere for a week. This means 3 moves this year. Our belongings are at friends and families homes, infact I can’t keep track of where it all is. Seasons are changing and I am going to need to find is my Fall/Winter clothing. Where the hell our those bins?

Any who…so sorry for my rant, but thanks for keeping with me.

My point being that the reality of all these moves will has affected our health and our work. It really hit James yesterday…

James has a lot on his plate. He takes care of me and also our dog and he works nearly 10-15 hours a day. I have had increased amount of “break through” pain so far this year, however, the amazing change in my migraines has been that they are not lasting as long as they have! Could going off the pill 4 months ago, helped? Hmm. I wish someone would have told me to try this…anywhere along my 12 year journey with this devestaing life ruining disease (thus far).

James pays our house bills. We live in an area where his income is capped. So he either needs to work more or find another way to structure his business. We had a long discusssion and he really vented…he broke down right there in front of me. I was watching him verbally crawl into the fetal position while he was trying to express his feelings.. :(..omg= this just killed me.

James is very fatigued from working so hard these last 12 years, from eithering working or caring for me and our dog. On his days off, he is often taking me to the Emergancy Room which ruins his day off when he could have gone climbing.

Climbing is James’ medicine. In my opinion and he will admit, he has ADD or ADHD, Anxety Disorder and chronic stress (never medically diagnosed) climbing is healing for him. While he’s climbing he is so focused on his moves, he doesn’t think about anthing else and this helps him relax and de-stress. It is also about exercise, consistent training for his sport and his all over health.

James has the age of 46. His adventures and high risk sports he has performed over the the last 25 years (climbing, canyoneering, trail running and mountain biking), have left his whole body hurting with arthtritis and pain (not diagnosed). He’s been naseaus for months and he is scared of that. He is always exhausted, has no time to play or focus on his own health. With his business, as a Personal Trainer, he cares for many people who has ailments and he can usually correct many of his clients issues with exercise or stretching and he practices these techniques on his own body.

James has no medical insurance…we simply can’t afford it. And we are just above water….barley…James needs healthcare. His glasses are 7 years old, he wears one-day disposable contact for 6 months, he needs a physical and blood tests. He needs a new veicle, we need to develop our property. What I am trying to say is that my husband is breaking down. He is broken and I feel I can not support him like he needs. With my health and health care, which takes a lot of attention and time, for both of us, has left James feeling helpless. I have medicare and I use my health care benefits. I am 46 and on Social Security Disablity (since I was 36). I have all the health care I need (and thank God I do) and James has nothing.

My chronic migraine disease is aiding in my husbands break down. I can’t work more than I am (I do have a small business that I am building and I am hoping to be be up and running, full time). The first thing I am doing once my business profitable is getting James health insurance. When we look for James to get insurance under the current Obama Care offered, it would have cost us $800.00 per month. What?? We do make that much to warrant that. In fact, I don’t know how we could be charged so much, considering our finacial circumstances…it all sucks, up and down, round and husband is breaking and I will do anything I can to help him. I give James lots of love and affection and we have a great sex life. Recently, with this property build, we have not been intimate. There has been to much to do with the house and working and caring for our high maintaince but awesome dog, friends homes and clients… we have had very little time to play or be together alone. It has been a rough year thus far.

James said to me yesterday, regarding our cicumstances….he said it’s not me- “it is the circumstances that suck”…well the circumstance are me and I am the reason we are stuck. I lost 12 years of professional income and we have gone through all of our savings. My husband is broken and it just kills me. I am so sad about this. He is so upset about our life together. Make no mistake, James is the most amazing, loving, empathic and supportive husband I could have ever imagined. I have to put everything I can into my relationship. How to I do that being sick all the time, working and trying to heal. I am tired…always. My energy has gone done on the medicine I am on. As it is, I need to rest or sleep for about 16 hours each day. This leaves me with little time each day to be productive. And if I have an episode then I am down and can do nothing. I am not much help.

What else can I do for James? I ask you what has helped your spouse deal with your illness?

James has been worried about me since the day my first migraine occured and since I was diagnosed. He put on hold his buisness and lost 12 years of his prime young adult time, all for me. He has put his dreams on hold, to care for me. He has had a worry knot in his stomach, constantly 247, for the last 12 years. There is a constant fear that I will get sicker and not be able to work at all. That would mean devestation for us. He is a 247 care taker and he is always worried or stressed (never ending stress) just to take care of my/our needs.

I love you James…you are my world, I want you to be happy and if that means I need to set you free, so you may be freed and happy, than so be it. I understand I am a burden.

James needs to find peace and balance in his life. He says he’ll never leave me. He says it’s not my fault getting sick with migraines, but it is my needs that are overwhelming. I am so grateful for James. I will always take care of him, in the way I can. I love you James with all my all my being and soul.

I could never repay James for the time he’s lost in his life. I will do anything I can to help heal my husband. He needs me. I need him. We need each other.

I pray our relationship will heal and that James can find a way to make more income by not working as much. I pray for his health and happiness. This is a hard year for us with building the house and all that goes with that and all the moves we are making.

God, hear my prayer…I ask for a more conective realtionship with the man I love. Somehow we have grown apart. We are distant. I want our loving peacfeul relationship back. I want this more than anything. Please help us and I promise You we are doing everything we can. We are commited to doing whatever it takes. I can’t lose my husband. I will fight for his happiness and the freedom from being miserable. I want his soul to heal.

Thanks for for being here in this space with me. I am wishing you a good day today. Fight to have a fun day. something special for yourself today…even for 5 mintues. Focus your efforts on fighting through the pain and living your life as best as you can. You’ve got this!!

-Your friend, Kimberly

My mantra- feel free to use it…

“I practice the Art of Living by sustaining Inner Peace”

Note to readers…I clearly am a horrible speller so please bare with me 🙂

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