Remembering my Mother.

I remember fondly, purple tulips growing in the flower beds around our home.

Wow, did I have an amazing couple of days!

My migraine, thankfully went away, whew (the one I wrote about in my last post).

Something is definitely happening in my body, for the better,..so I think. 

I do not know what is going inside of me, but as I have mentioned before, my migraines are not lasting as long (my break through pain is not lasting as long). 

The things I changed, all at once, in the last 6 months, that I beleive are working for me, are: increasing my Gabapentin to 3x daily at a 1200 mg per dose. I went off birth control (the pill) , which I thought was a great idea to try, but no doctors thought it was affecting me negatively. I did switch pill brands back when I was first diagnosed in 2008, which was my idea. I also started using the Celafy device (which you’ve seen me wearing in in pics in my post). The B2 supplement that a friend, who is an ICU Physician who also has migraines, told me about has been building in my system for 6 months. And I took 1 month of solitude time.  I had foot surgery that had me in bed for 2 weeks than I couldn’t walk real well for another 3 weeks and I still couldn’t drive. I only had a few visitors during my recovery but I passed the time with meditation, stretching, listening to music, yoga (upper body only) praying, and writing. Although my foot was hurting from surgery and I was constantly busy with crushing ice, elevating my foot all day with the ice and watching the clock to see when I could take ibuprofen next. I took oxycodone for the first week after surgery but then I found that a little Tylenol with ibuprofen worked well. I only need those meds when I had something to do and had to walk and also when I started driving again and running errands. It has been 6 weeks since surgery and I am doing super. 

Why I had such a few great days?!  

My Mother’s passing Anniversary was Friday and Saturday. She had a heart attack on 9-27-2000 and her body was discovered, by her sister, the very next day on 9-28-2000.  Each year on my Mother’s passing anniversary and her birthday I try and take the day to myself and honor her memory. I celebrate her all day long by doing things that she liked and that I can imagine she’d like today.  I talk to her, out loud. I look at old photos of her, James will buy me her favorite flowers; purple tulips. She was allergic to roses which were my favorite back then. All my family reaches out to my Brother and I and we feel very supported. My family comes together on this day. Everyone loved my Mother, she was a true real-life Angel. I have many stories about my Mom that I could share, and perhaps in another post, but right now I do not want to focus on the hell she had gone through in the last few years of her life, that ultimately killed her. I have resolved this sadness in my soul. I have  years of therapy under my belt trying to come to terms with my childhood and how my parents raised me.  I have been told that the trauma from my youth could be causing my migraines or at least it’s a contributor.  I have struggled with fear and shame, stemming from my youth, until about a year ago.  I finally let it go and that took a lot of work. My whole life the question I had was “Why”, I never got the answer but I was able to come to peace with all of it. And I am blessed!  There are people I talk to everyday, that are older than me, that have not resolved or have come to accept and forgive their parents. Their stories are similar to mine and they are struggling terribly.  I met one women at the gym last year who had just turned 80 and she just had forgiven her parents for the abuse she endured as a child. She held those pent up feelings of fear and shame and asking “why” her WHOLE life. I am pleased she feels so much better now and is at peace with it all, but at 80?  I can’t tell you how common that is in the people I meet.  Someone very close to me is about to turn 70. I love this person with my whole being and they are still in therapy dealing with their childhood.  It can ruin your life. And it was ruining mine until I let it all go. 

I had mixed feelings about my Mom. When I was young I hated her…yes at that time in my life I hated her. But I really didn’t know what hate was. As I got older I learned to like her more, understood her more and after I had moved out of our house at 17, and put my life together, we became close. In fact we became best friends. I had 7 years of her where we were close, but for most of those years I lived out of state, which saddens and hurt her. I know my Mom loved me very much. It’s just that sometimes she did things to me that conflicted that. She was altogether a wonderful Mom and a true Angel to everyone she knew and met. My Mother had a hard life. She carried secrets, that were very painful for her, her whole life. Know one knew the things she had endured and even though it did kill her later in life, you would have never know she was hurting. 

I spent the last few days celebrating my Mom and it’s these days when I know who I am. I am part of her. I carry parts of her with me always, part of her lives within me. I am a mini version of her and I hated that for so long and now I only wish that we had had more peace and fun times together. I truly miss that she and I didn’t have much time together while we were getting along and became besties. I will never know if that closeness would have lasted. I’d like to think that we would have become even closer and had more great times and memorable moments to share. I picture her now, in this moment and I imagine what she’d look like, what style she she’d be  wearing,  how her hair would have look and her how her smile changed as she aged gracefully. But most of all, I think of her in no pain. She is free now, free as a bird to roam where ever she feels fit. She can bless us now in a way she could never do on this earth. She is always with me, I can feel her more as time passes. She reminds me that she is still there, still looking out for me and reminding me to forgive those who hurt her as she has done. I truly feel that my Mother’s passing was an act of God and that He felt she had a good life in the present, but because she was so hard broken and could not move forward, perhaps He felt she could do more good now as our Angel and an Angel to all people. She did not want to live anymore. Besides her emotional and mental death that happened before her body died, she had Fibryomiagia and disintegrating disks in her neck. But make no mistake, most of her pain was caused be those close to her. The ultimate betrayal she had endured. She could not work due to her physical pain and was home often icing her neck and body. I really could not relate to what she was going through back then…chronic debilitating diseases. NOW I am like her as far as being “disabled” with chronic disease. She was a fighter and she gave all she could but in the end she just couldn’t move forward and I feel she was saved. 

I went for walks these past two days. Unfortunately, I cannot hike in the forest right now because of my foot surgery, or else I would have gone for a long kick ass hike. I enjoy walking and talking to her, while listening to her favorite music, Fleetwood Mac, Whitney Houston, Vanessa Williams, Mariah Carey and much more. I cried, I laughed and mostly remembered her in such a special way.  I had gone to visit a friend in-need and I felt I helped her and that made me feel good because that’s what my Mom would have done.  I spent quality time with our dog. I walked the Labyrinth path, only a few laps but that sat and prayed. I studied the beautiful Red Rocks we have here in Sedona.  I danced and danced like no one was watching…then my husband walked in and caught me looking like a fool!  I didn’t care!  It was about me and my Mother and it was a  celebration her life!  She use to love to dance and she was good at it too!

James and I had a few special dinners and I made a pasta dish. I have not had pasta in forever, but I was raised on pasta (thank you hips) and it was very much a comfort food. I still have left overs that I’ll have today for lunch.  🙂

I had nice conversations with my tribe (my support group) and friends and family. We all lifted my Mother’’s spirit up. On these days we all are sad but remember her fondly. 

Now, I know most people do not probably take days off to celebrate their parent’s passing, and I get that.  My Mother died when she was 50 and I was 27. Before her death there was much tragedy in her life. She was robbed and hurt her whole adult life. I lost my Mom young and because we were not close for so long I am compelled to spend the day “with her”. It makes me feel her more and it’s these times were I feel her with me and close to me and as if she’s sitting right next to me. That’s why I do this. Her birthday is 2-12-1950 and I also spend that day in her memory. 

I had a few very special days and I feel super now!  

I did have another severe headache last night. Even though the episodes are not lasting as long they seem to be more frequent lately. I am all off!  Peri-menopause, migraines and bi-polar, but I feel I am managing fantastically!  

I heard I phase a while ago that I just loved and could completely relate to…and may you will too.  It goes “I am broken but beautiful”. It may have been song lyrics. I am broken and I love myself. I really do. I am like no other person on earth, I am unique. All of us are. You are unique and special in your own way and no one can copy that. You are the only YOU there will be and because of that you are lucky in that you are in your body living the way you can be the best you can be! To live the best life that you can, no matter your circumstances. You may be ill or going through a break up, losing someone, starting a new career…or just starting over. 

-You can become whoever you want to be. Be persistent and consistent. 

-YOU have the power within you to fight for positive change in your life. 

-DO for yourself. 

-BE true to yourself and your unique life. 

-And always follow your life’s passions. 

Life is too short to be unhappy. If you need help-get it. Ask for guidance-seek direction. Set intentions. Say aloud affirmations. Sit quietly and wait for what comes. 

I could have given in to my diseases years ago. But because there are so many of you, doing great things, despite challenges and disadvantages,  I AM INSPIRED!  …by what others are accomplishing. The real change and transition to a content and happy whole life, I admire. 

There is no way I stayed out from under a rock, by myself. Yes, the desire was there, but I looked for support from every corner of life and I found it in various ways.  Much in prayer and being surrounded by loved ones who help take care of me and my needs, 247. 

I realize that I am very lucky to have the support I need. 

Do you need support? I am here for you, just reach out to me and we can support each other.

I think that’s enough for today. We are moving, again, today and this week, so lots to do!

Blessings to you, now and always.

With love and care,

-Kimberly 

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