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Anxiety Attacks

– a peaceful me

It is morning now and the house is still. It is 3:00 am and I work in a panic. I could not breath and my heart was pumping rapidly. I was nauseous and my vision blurred. I was having a full blown debilitating panic attack. 

The day before I was helping a friend at her house. That morning I had 2 Starbucks coffees (instant) and 2 cups of tea. I admit that is a lot of stimulus at once but I had low energy.  Out of the blue, I am cleaning and BOOM it began. I started to get hot and began shaking and throwing up. I had to get home to take my natural medicine and a Kolopin. When having anxiety my medicine is 2 cups of chamomile tea and two cups of Sleepy Time tea; I smoke cannabis and prayed for the best.

I raced home and could barely hold the steering wheel still. I was frightened. 

I got all drugged up and I calmed down a little. I ultimately took my sleeping pills and forced myself to sleep. So today…at 3:00 am, I woke temporally paralyzed and I was not sure to do. We live in a casita at the moment and it’s a studio. So getting up to turn a light on or make tea was something I preferred not to do as it would have woken my husband and dog and my husband needs his sleep. So what to do? Wide awake and I can’t get out of bed. I thought “this sucks”.

I laid in bed until 3:30 and then my hubby woke up due to my tossing and turning. I felt I had to get up because I could not stay still. I got up and made tea, I got my computer and thought I’d write a little. I went into the bathroom, closed the door, turned on the light and played on facebook. I got only a little writing done because I could not focus. James woke at 5:00 and finally I was free to leave the bathroom!  

It is now 1:05 in the afternoon and I am back drinking my calming tea (in fact, I drank this all day). I did some stretching, went for a walk as it is beautiful here today, I did some yoga and prayed for a while. Now I am writing to release my thoughts and feelings.

Anxiety is no joke. SO many people suffer and plenty of people suffer in silence. By recognizing your feelings and doing your best to feel better, perhaps your actions will encourage someone else to do the same. Perhaps making lifestyle changes will allow you to focus on what it is your struggling with. This will help reduce the attacks.

If you feel anxious, talk it out with someone in your tribe (your support system). BREATHE… go outside for some eco-therapy, exercise, take time to mediate or pray or try to talk yourself into relaxing. Speaking of breathing, the longer you exhale (take a big breath), the quicker your heart will stop pumping so hard and you can become more relaxed just from taking big breathes and slowly exhale your breath. 

One of the other medications I take to help me achieve less anxiety is an antihistamine called Hydroxyzine. It helps to decrease itching due to allergies, however it has relaxing effects and can be used for acute and long term anxiety. I use to manage my anxiety with this drug and only this drug. I stared taking Kolopin last year as I found a new doctor who would subscribe it for me. Most of the time my anxiety occurs when I start to feel a migraine coming on…I am afraid of the unknown. I think to myself, “How long will this last, how bad will the pain get, will I throw up, what meds do I need and do I have them? Will I have to inconvenience James or a friend to take me to the emergency room”. The anxiety just builds and build the more frightened I get. 

Migraines always scare me. Thinking about having them is a big pill to swallow even after 11 years of having them.  My migraine doctor will not prescribe anxiety medication even though most of my anxiety is due to getting and having a migraine. Note: I am on a low dose of Kolopin because I am on several meds and I cannot have interaction.  I listen to my doctor clearly and follow her directions. I never ever take more meds then I should…even if the means suffering a little more. Overdose is a big issue, but accidental overdose can usually be prevented. 

Since I am on pain medication my doctor has subscribed me the medication Naloxone and I have that on hand. It will reverse an overdose from pain medications. Something good to have and tell people about incase they need to help you. 

Our current move is going well, we will be cleaning the old place this weekend. I am excited to be house-hopping until our home is ready. I will be living in the country-side and I cannot wait to grown my own food, have a pig (as a pet) and two goats!  Our neighbors have 67 free range chickens and small farm animals is just behind us.  I am moving further from the city for a more simple and peaceful living. Country pumpkin here I come!

I hope some of what I wrote can help you with your own struggles. 

I will repeat:  The practice the Art of Living, by sustaining inner peace”…find yours today!

With love and care,

-Kimberly

Remembering my Mother.

I remember fondly, purple tulips growing in the flower beds around our home.

Wow, did I have an amazing couple of days!

My migraine, thankfully went away, whew (the one I wrote about in my last post).

Something is definitely happening in my body, for the better,..so I think. 

I do not know what is going inside of me, but as I have mentioned before, my migraines are not lasting as long (my break through pain is not lasting as long). 

The things I changed, all at once, in the last 6 months, that I beleive are working for me, are: increasing my Gabapentin to 3x daily at a 1200 mg per dose. I went off birth control (the pill) , which I thought was a great idea to try, but no doctors thought it was affecting me negatively. I did switch pill brands back when I was first diagnosed in 2008, which was my idea. I also started using the Celafy device (which you’ve seen me wearing in in pics in my post). The B2 supplement that a friend, who is an ICU Physician who also has migraines, told me about has been building in my system for 6 months. And I took 1 month of solitude time.  I had foot surgery that had me in bed for 2 weeks than I couldn’t walk real well for another 3 weeks and I still couldn’t drive. I only had a few visitors during my recovery but I passed the time with meditation, stretching, listening to music, yoga (upper body only) praying, and writing. Although my foot was hurting from surgery and I was constantly busy with crushing ice, elevating my foot all day with the ice and watching the clock to see when I could take ibuprofen next. I took oxycodone for the first week after surgery but then I found that a little Tylenol with ibuprofen worked well. I only need those meds when I had something to do and had to walk and also when I started driving again and running errands. It has been 6 weeks since surgery and I am doing super. 

Why I had such a few great days?!  

My Mother’s passing Anniversary was Friday and Saturday. She had a heart attack on 9-27-2000 and her body was discovered, by her sister, the very next day on 9-28-2000.  Each year on my Mother’s passing anniversary and her birthday I try and take the day to myself and honor her memory. I celebrate her all day long by doing things that she liked and that I can imagine she’d like today.  I talk to her, out loud. I look at old photos of her, James will buy me her favorite flowers; purple tulips. She was allergic to roses which were my favorite back then. All my family reaches out to my Brother and I and we feel very supported. My family comes together on this day. Everyone loved my Mother, she was a true real-life Angel. I have many stories about my Mom that I could share, and perhaps in another post, but right now I do not want to focus on the hell she had gone through in the last few years of her life, that ultimately killed her. I have resolved this sadness in my soul. I have  years of therapy under my belt trying to come to terms with my childhood and how my parents raised me.  I have been told that the trauma from my youth could be causing my migraines or at least it’s a contributor.  I have struggled with fear and shame, stemming from my youth, until about a year ago.  I finally let it go and that took a lot of work. My whole life the question I had was “Why”, I never got the answer but I was able to come to peace with all of it. And I am blessed!  There are people I talk to everyday, that are older than me, that have not resolved or have come to accept and forgive their parents. Their stories are similar to mine and they are struggling terribly.  I met one women at the gym last year who had just turned 80 and she just had forgiven her parents for the abuse she endured as a child. She held those pent up feelings of fear and shame and asking “why” her WHOLE life. I am pleased she feels so much better now and is at peace with it all, but at 80?  I can’t tell you how common that is in the people I meet.  Someone very close to me is about to turn 70. I love this person with my whole being and they are still in therapy dealing with their childhood.  It can ruin your life. And it was ruining mine until I let it all go. 

I had mixed feelings about my Mom. When I was young I hated her…yes at that time in my life I hated her. But I really didn’t know what hate was. As I got older I learned to like her more, understood her more and after I had moved out of our house at 17, and put my life together, we became close. In fact we became best friends. I had 7 years of her where we were close, but for most of those years I lived out of state, which saddens and hurt her. I know my Mom loved me very much. It’s just that sometimes she did things to me that conflicted that. She was altogether a wonderful Mom and a true Angel to everyone she knew and met. My Mother had a hard life. She carried secrets, that were very painful for her, her whole life. Know one knew the things she had endured and even though it did kill her later in life, you would have never know she was hurting. 

I spent the last few days celebrating my Mom and it’s these days when I know who I am. I am part of her. I carry parts of her with me always, part of her lives within me. I am a mini version of her and I hated that for so long and now I only wish that we had had more peace and fun times together. I truly miss that she and I didn’t have much time together while we were getting along and became besties. I will never know if that closeness would have lasted. I’d like to think that we would have become even closer and had more great times and memorable moments to share. I picture her now, in this moment and I imagine what she’d look like, what style she she’d be  wearing,  how her hair would have look and her how her smile changed as she aged gracefully. But most of all, I think of her in no pain. She is free now, free as a bird to roam where ever she feels fit. She can bless us now in a way she could never do on this earth. She is always with me, I can feel her more as time passes. She reminds me that she is still there, still looking out for me and reminding me to forgive those who hurt her as she has done. I truly feel that my Mother’s passing was an act of God and that He felt she had a good life in the present, but because she was so hard broken and could not move forward, perhaps He felt she could do more good now as our Angel and an Angel to all people. She did not want to live anymore. Besides her emotional and mental death that happened before her body died, she had Fibryomiagia and disintegrating disks in her neck. But make no mistake, most of her pain was caused be those close to her. The ultimate betrayal she had endured. She could not work due to her physical pain and was home often icing her neck and body. I really could not relate to what she was going through back then…chronic debilitating diseases. NOW I am like her as far as being “disabled” with chronic disease. She was a fighter and she gave all she could but in the end she just couldn’t move forward and I feel she was saved. 

I went for walks these past two days. Unfortunately, I cannot hike in the forest right now because of my foot surgery, or else I would have gone for a long kick ass hike. I enjoy walking and talking to her, while listening to her favorite music, Fleetwood Mac, Whitney Houston, Vanessa Williams, Mariah Carey and much more. I cried, I laughed and mostly remembered her in such a special way.  I had gone to visit a friend in-need and I felt I helped her and that made me feel good because that’s what my Mom would have done.  I spent quality time with our dog. I walked the Labyrinth path, only a few laps but that sat and prayed. I studied the beautiful Red Rocks we have here in Sedona.  I danced and danced like no one was watching…then my husband walked in and caught me looking like a fool!  I didn’t care!  It was about me and my Mother and it was a  celebration her life!  She use to love to dance and she was good at it too!

James and I had a few special dinners and I made a pasta dish. I have not had pasta in forever, but I was raised on pasta (thank you hips) and it was very much a comfort food. I still have left overs that I’ll have today for lunch.  🙂

I had nice conversations with my tribe (my support group) and friends and family. We all lifted my Mother’’s spirit up. On these days we all are sad but remember her fondly. 

Now, I know most people do not probably take days off to celebrate their parent’s passing, and I get that.  My Mother died when she was 50 and I was 27. Before her death there was much tragedy in her life. She was robbed and hurt her whole adult life. I lost my Mom young and because we were not close for so long I am compelled to spend the day “with her”. It makes me feel her more and it’s these times were I feel her with me and close to me and as if she’s sitting right next to me. That’s why I do this. Her birthday is 2-12-1950 and I also spend that day in her memory. 

I had a few very special days and I feel super now!  

I did have another severe headache last night. Even though the episodes are not lasting as long they seem to be more frequent lately. I am all off!  Peri-menopause, migraines and bi-polar, but I feel I am managing fantastically!  

I heard I phase a while ago that I just loved and could completely relate to…and may you will too.  It goes “I am broken but beautiful”. It may have been song lyrics. I am broken and I love myself. I really do. I am like no other person on earth, I am unique. All of us are. You are unique and special in your own way and no one can copy that. You are the only YOU there will be and because of that you are lucky in that you are in your body living the way you can be the best you can be! To live the best life that you can, no matter your circumstances. You may be ill or going through a break up, losing someone, starting a new career…or just starting over. 

-You can become whoever you want to be. Be persistent and consistent. 

-YOU have the power within you to fight for positive change in your life. 

-DO for yourself. 

-BE true to yourself and your unique life. 

-And always follow your life’s passions. 

Life is too short to be unhappy. If you need help-get it. Ask for guidance-seek direction. Set intentions. Say aloud affirmations. Sit quietly and wait for what comes. 

I could have given in to my diseases years ago. But because there are so many of you, doing great things, despite challenges and disadvantages,  I AM INSPIRED!  …by what others are accomplishing. The real change and transition to a content and happy whole life, I admire. 

There is no way I stayed out from under a rock, by myself. Yes, the desire was there, but I looked for support from every corner of life and I found it in various ways.  Much in prayer and being surrounded by loved ones who help take care of me and my needs, 247. 

I realize that I am very lucky to have the support I need. 

Do you need support? I am here for you, just reach out to me and we can support each other.

I think that’s enough for today. We are moving, again, today and this week, so lots to do!

Blessings to you, now and always.

With love and care,

-Kimberly 

It’s happening… NOW

Feeing relief with Celery

I just hurried home from a doctor apt. (my new natural path) as while I was explaining to the doc my migraine history and I was feeling fine. Then it hit me like a bullet in-between my eyes…F*&K…is this happening again?

Side bar: I have been having migraines between 3-6:0 pm for the last 3 days, today being the 4th day and it hit again today earlier at 1:30 pm, while sitting with my doctor discussing the renewal of my medical marijuana license. Needless to say, she approved the renewal.

I briskly left the office and got into my car. I took out my pill case and took 4 ibuprofen, an RX for nausea and 3 pain pills and desperately headed home. The sun was bright and my eyes would only open a little. It was hard to see as my eyes would only open slightly. I started to perspire and slightly panicked …I knew I had to get home asap or I would have had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. It is fortunately a quick drive home so I knew I could make it. I needed my Celafy device and my cannabis as these are my acute fixes as well as ongoing use preventable remedies.

This recent migraine path has thrown me for a loop. It is very different than what I am use to. I am curious as to what has changed?

I am here, in my dark home laying on the sofa.  I am wearing my Celafy device but have not smoke cannabis yet…it’s hard for me to write when I smoke. I wanted to be as real as I can with you, sharing with you, in real time. I am finding that while writing this post I do not focus on the pain. This is so true for me; the more distractions I have while in pain, it takes my focus slightly away from the pain because I am thinking about something else. This helps me sometimes. 

Pain is at an 6..and if it reaches a #7 I will go the ER.  —I am grateful we live close to our local emergency room. And that’s on purpose!

My body is so tense and yet fatigued at the same time. I feel have too much energy and can’t calm down. It’s not productive energy, it’s more like nervous energy or pain energy. I am all wound up because I am scared. I am really very scared. I do not know how long this will last.  Will it last for 3 weeks or 3 months? What do I have to cancel tomorrow morning if I do not feel better soon? Again-screwing up my day.  But look, I am use to this. Really I am. I have crafted a lifestyle that helps to keep me calm and feeling good,..it’s been nearly 12 years since I’ve been dealing with this beast so I have learned what I can and what I can get away with. I never have packed days because I won’t schedule my days like that. I do what I can handle and I am so use to living with this that nothing really upsets me anymore about having migraines. I am never shocked.  I have not given into my disease. I am a fighter for all things I am passionate about..like my life for one thing. I have always been a doer. I learn from things and move forward with faith, hopefulness and excitement.  No doubt, when I go down, I really go down. And this does happen a lot for me but I feel my attitude helps me adapted to this debilitating life and the Lion in me fights for a better one.  One thing is for sure…I have faith in myself.

I think I should go take the rest of my medication…so I will stop writing and rest.

I will say that it is important to try and look for the ROOT of the cause of your illness…that is not in Western medicine …to look for the root. Western medicine (from my experience) manages symptoms mostly.  Natural-path doctors and Function medicine doctors search for the root cause that is causing the illness. For years and years I have wanted to see one of these doctors as I was hopeful they could find the true cause.  But, it comes down to $$$. Medical insurance will not and does not cover Homeopath or Natural-path treatment (which is absurb and ass-backwards if you thing about it).

The Natural-path doc I saw today encouraged me to seek this kind of treatment and I hope to see her again when soon. When you are on social security disability and are only able to work a little, for myself I tend to do the treatments my health insurance covers. I do what I can but my health care is not the only responsibility, although my biggest priority, I have a husband, we just bought land and are building a home, I care for our high maintenance dog (God love him!) And I run my own business (and trying to develop that).  I have friends and family who I never see that I’’d love to reach out too. No one calls me anymore…they let me call them when I am feeling ok to talk. Lonely, but realistic.

Do what you can for yourself. Do not be depend on others, all the time. Depend on yourself. Be positive and focus now what you can do, not what you can’t.  Have a good attitude. Take advance of what you have…use your body to move as much as you can. Keep your mind sharp and healthy by learning new and exciting things. Read, listen to music, meditate, breath, stretch, relax, be calm…but always be who you are 100% of the time. Replace the judgment you carry of yourself and replace it with curiosity. What can I do? What can I become?

Ok I am all out of steam. I must smoke my cannabis so I can eat and sleep now.

With love and care,

-Kimberly

=

Something is off

My migraines (or break through pain) usually last at the minimum of 2.5-3 weeks. So what has been happening over the last 3 days is very strange to me. The pain comes on like a train reck then goes away with ibuprofen  and sleep…? What is happening? I normally need an arsenal of meds, both pain, nausea, anti-anxiety and strong anti-inflammatory to knock down my pain a notch.  So taking ibuprofen (and my sleeping medication) and falling asleep and then the pain going away over night-…Is a f&*cking dream for me!!!!!!! 

That has never happened to me! EVER. 

I am tying to figure out why this happens in the late afternoon…how are these last few days any different then any other day? Why is it that just an over-the-counter medication can fix this?  …When I am use to using heavy narcotics and steroids.

Any who, I am grateful for what is going on in my body.  I am always grateful for my amazing body working in the way it does. Our bodies can naturally heal us from disease, but with the proper nutrition and lifestyle you can even more completely. It is true that what we eat is what we are.  (I always say-good health promoting affirmations as a part of my healing)

Almost 3 years ago I changed my eating 180 degrees. I had been eating OK for the last 11 years and have been on many elimination diets and cleanses but it was just in the last 3 years that I went 100% organic, I strive for non-GMO foods, cut our dairy, sugar and gluten. I even took it a step further and changed all my products, both personal and household, too natural and non-toxic ones.

And guess what? It is absolutely true that what the worlds doctors are trying to communicate to us is that a healthy eating, exercise and all over lifestyle does affected who and how we are and what we become. This will predict our future selves. Again…I cannot say it enough-“you are what you eat” but you are also a product of how you live.

My life changed, for the better, dramatically after going all natural. 

My migraines became less frequent. I was less nauseated, I became more social, I started being creative and new ideas were popping into my head. This is when I choose to pursue and education in Health and Wellness coaching. I believe, so much, in what I was doing and how much it helped me that I knew after 11 years of my own struggles with chronic pain and and with an education in holistic health and wellness, that I could help others with their goals of healthier lives. My goal was and is to offer a path, direction and guidance to others who want better lives through nutrition and lifestyle and thus that is what I do. 

If you change the way you eat and live…you can have a much healthier and vibrant life.  If you don’t go within, you will go without. I knew helping others to achieve a healthier and happier life was my new passion filled career. 

It is 8:00 am and I feel fine after lasts nights bout. Thank you Jesus. I feel very hopeful for more positive changes in my life but I want you to know that I am and have always been hopeful. Call it faith or ignorance, I am always hopeful and eager about the future, for me, my health and my happiness. I always think to myself, “What is possible”. Instead of holding on to what I cannot have, I choose to focus on what I do and have. This is my message. 

*A note about my blog*

I want to be as real as I can in sharing these posts…just me. I give what I can in writing my words and I only hope to inspire other so they CAN have a good and happy life. I am far from perfect. I make all sorts of mistakes. I do this in my free time, but I always try and write when the words are fresh in my head and is what is happening right now or to what is happening in my life at the moment. If I were to make my, blog pretty and sparkly with lots of graphics…that would take a long time to create…time I do not have. So my goal is to just write and put it out there, mostly for my own healing and retrospect. 

If you suffer like me, know there are endless possibilities and outcomes that can happen and you can make a difference to what is to come for you in the future for you. Be proactive. Find your inner bull, feel the rage within to fight for yourself. You can be your own advocate. I wish you peace and love and lots of fun…in between your episodes. Relax in the chaos. Be true to yourself.  No matter what age, you can change. I promise,…I did it and so can you!

Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.

With love and care,

-Kimberly  

Something strange is happening to me and it’s got me thinking…

I’ve had a migraine, off and on, for the last 3 days. In fact, the pain has only struck near 4:00 pm in the afternoon each of these last few days.  The pain is about a 7…which is usually when I head to the emergency room for intervention, however this migraine has gone away over night. I am waking up each morning with the pain gone.  Hmm…this is hella out of character for my migraines.  Usually,  with my migraines I feel very irritable, fatigued, cranky, my muscles and body become tight and then the fear and anxiety come in to play about 5 days before the pain hits. I think to myself “oh shit,..here we go again and I fill up with what I call “fear anxiety” due to I cannot predict or really have any clue as to how long it will last. I get frightened in a big way. Then the migraine reveals it’s ugly face and I usually have the pain and symptoms for at least 7 days (and that’s a short migraine for me) then there is a 5-7 days of recovery after the pain stops. When I say “recovery” I mean that my body literally unravels and relaxes after being so tight, scared and wound-up for the duration the pain. It takes a while for the nausea to go away and I am very timid with how fast I get back into my routine of managing this crazy life. I am still affected by light (well, that’s always but …) and noise, crowds and social interaction. I need to be still after a migraine. It’s the only way I know how to recovery.  

My migraines (or break through pain) usually last at the minimum of 2.5-3 weeks. So what has been happening over the last 3 days is very strange to me. The pain comes on like a train reck then goes away with ibuprofen  and sleep…? What is happening? I normally need an arsenal of meds, both pain, nausea, anti-anxiety and strong anti-inflammatory to knock down my pain a notch.  So taking ibuprofen (and my sleeping medication) and falling asleep and then the pain going away over night-…Is a f&*cking dream for me!!!!!!! 

That has never happened to me! EVER. 

I am tying to figure out why this happens in the late afternoon…how are these last few days any different then any other day? Why is it that just an over-the-counter medication can fix this?  …When I am use to using heavy narcotics and steroids.

Any who, I am grateful for what is going on in my body.  I am always grateful for my amazing body working in the way it does. Our bodies can naturally heal us from disease, but with the proper nutrition and lifestyle you can even more completely. It is true that what we eat is what we are.  (I always say-good health promoting affirmations as a part of my healing)

Almost 3 years ago I changed my eating 180 degrees. I had been eating OK for the last 11 years and have been on many elimination diets and cleanses but it was just in the last 3 years that I went 100% organic, I strive for non-GMO foods, cut our dairy, sugar and gluten. I even took it a step further and changed all my products, both personal and household, too natural and non-toxic ones.

And guess what? It is absolutely true that what the worlds doctors are trying to communicate to us is that a healthy eating, exercise and all over lifestyle does affected who and how we are and what we become. This will predict our future selves. Again…I cannot say it enough-“you are what you eat” but you are also a product of how you live.

My life changed, for the better, dramatically after going all natural. 

My migraines became less frequent. I was less nauseated, I became more social, I started being creative and new ideas were popping into my head. This is when I choose to pursue and education in Health and Wellness coaching. I believe, so much, in what I was doing and how much it helped me that I knew after 11 years of my own struggles with chronic pain and and with an education in holistic health and wellness, that I could help others with their goals of healthier lives. My goal was and is to offer a path, direction and guidance to others who want better lives through nutrition and lifestyle and thus that is what I do. 

If you change the way you eat and live…you can have a much healthier and vibrant life.  If you don’t go within, you will go without. I knew helping others to achieve a healthier and happier life was my new passion filled career. 

It is 8:00 am and I feel fine after lasts nights bout. Thank you Jesus. I feel very hopeful for more positive changes in my life but I want you to know that I am and have always been hopeful. Call it faith or ignorance, I am always hopeful and eager about the future, for me, my health and my happiness. I always think to myself, “What is possible”. Instead of holding on to what I cannot have, I choose to focus on what I do and have. This is my message. 

*A note about my blog*

I want to be as real as I can in sharing these posts…just me. I give what I can in writing my words and I only hope to inspire other so they CAN have a good and happy life. I am far from perfect. I make all sorts of mistakes. I do this in my free time, but I always try and write when the words are fresh in my head and is what is happening right now or to what is happening in my life at the moment. If I were to make my, blog pretty and sparkly with lots of graphics…that would take a long time to create…time I do not have. So my goal is to just write and put it out there, mostly for my own healing and retrospect. 

If you suffer like me, know there are endless possibilities and outcomes that can happen and you can make a difference to what is to come for you in the future for you. Be proactive. Find your inner bull, feel the rage within to fight for yourself. You can be your own advocate. I wish you peace and love and lots of fun…in between your episodes. Relax in the chaos. Be true to yourself.  No matter what age, you can change. I promise,…I did it and so can you!

Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.

With love and care,

-Kimberly  

How the other-half suffers.

It has been a serious emotional 24 hours.

James and I are building a mini home on a property (1.7 acres) that we purchased last August. Before I go on…I want to say that we have felt very blessed with the purchase of our land and home. Everyone around us has helped this dream come true. We feel very loved and supportive. I am extemley happy about this, but the path to get into our home has affected my marriage negativly, as I imagine those other couples who build a home, can relate.

We moved out of our leased town home and are living in a friends Casita. We leave here in two weeks to move onto our property, God Willing. We will live in a travel trailer for 2.5 months while we wait for our home to be ready. Also, we have to leave the property for 7 days while they do the major installation, this means we will have to stay somewhere for a week. This means 3 moves this year. Our belongings are at friends and families homes, infact I can’t keep track of where it all is. Seasons are changing and I am going to need to find is my Fall/Winter clothing. Where the hell our those bins?

Any who…so sorry for my rant, but thanks for keeping with me.

My point being that the reality of all these moves will has affected our health and our work. It really hit James yesterday…

James has a lot on his plate. He takes care of me and also our dog and he works nearly 10-15 hours a day. I have had increased amount of “break through” pain so far this year, however, the amazing change in my migraines has been that they are not lasting as long as they have! Could going off the pill 4 months ago, helped? Hmm. I wish someone would have told me to try this…anywhere along my 12 year journey with this devestaing life ruining disease (thus far).

James pays our house bills. We live in an area where his income is capped. So he either needs to work more or find another way to structure his business. We had a long discusssion and he really vented…he broke down right there in front of me. I was watching him verbally crawl into the fetal position while he was trying to express his feelings.. :(..omg= this just killed me.

James is very fatigued from working so hard these last 12 years, from eithering working or caring for me and our dog. On his days off, he is often taking me to the Emergancy Room which ruins his day off when he could have gone climbing.

Climbing is James’ medicine. In my opinion and he will admit, he has ADD or ADHD, Anxety Disorder and chronic stress (never medically diagnosed) climbing is healing for him. While he’s climbing he is so focused on his moves, he doesn’t think about anthing else and this helps him relax and de-stress. It is also about exercise, consistent training for his sport and his all over health.

James has ailments..at the age of 46. His adventures and high risk sports he has performed over the the last 25 years (climbing, canyoneering, trail running and mountain biking), have left his whole body hurting with arthtritis and pain (not diagnosed). He’s been naseaus for months and he is scared of that. He is always exhausted, has no time to play or focus on his own health. With his business, as a Personal Trainer, he cares for many people who has ailments and he can usually correct many of his clients issues with exercise or stretching and he practices these techniques on his own body.

James has no medical insurance…we simply can’t afford it. And we are just above water….barley…James needs healthcare. His glasses are 7 years old, he wears one-day disposable contact for 6 months, he needs a physical and blood tests. He needs a new veicle, we need to develop our property. What I am trying to say is that my husband is breaking down. He is broken and I feel I can not support him like he needs. With my health and health care, which takes a lot of attention and time, for both of us, has left James feeling helpless. I have medicare and I use my health care benefits. I am 46 and on Social Security Disablity (since I was 36). I have all the health care I need (and thank God I do) and James has nothing.

My chronic migraine disease is aiding in my husbands break down. I can’t work more than I am (I do have a small business that I am building and I am hoping to be be up and running, full time). The first thing I am doing once my business profitable is getting James health insurance. When we look for James to get insurance under the current Obama Care offered, it would have cost us $800.00 per month. What?? We do make that much to warrant that. In fact, I don’t know how we could be charged so much, considering our finacial circumstances…it all sucks, up and down, round and around..my husband is breaking and I will do anything I can to help him. I give James lots of love and affection and we have a great sex life. Recently, with this property build, we have not been intimate. There has been to much to do with the house and working and caring for our high maintaince but awesome dog, friends homes and clients… we have had very little time to play or be together alone. It has been a rough year thus far.

James said to me yesterday, regarding our cicumstances….he said it’s not me- “it is the circumstances that suck”…well the circumstance are me and I am the reason we are stuck. I lost 12 years of professional income and we have gone through all of our savings. My husband is broken and it just kills me. I am so sad about this. He is so upset about our life together. Make no mistake, James is the most amazing, loving, empathic and supportive husband I could have ever imagined. I have to put everything I can into my relationship. How to I do that being sick all the time, working and trying to heal. I am tired…always. My energy has gone done on the medicine I am on. As it is, I need to rest or sleep for about 16 hours each day. This leaves me with little time each day to be productive. And if I have an episode then I am down and can do nothing. I am not much help.

What else can I do for James? I ask you what has helped your spouse deal with your illness?

James has been worried about me since the day my first migraine occured and since I was diagnosed. He put on hold his buisness and lost 12 years of his prime young adult time, all for me. He has put his dreams on hold, to care for me. He has had a worry knot in his stomach, constantly 247, for the last 12 years. There is a constant fear that I will get sicker and not be able to work at all. That would mean devestation for us. He is a 247 care taker and he is always worried or stressed (never ending stress) just to take care of my/our needs.

I love you James…you are my world, I want you to be happy and if that means I need to set you free, so you may be freed and happy, than so be it. I understand I am a burden.

James needs to find peace and balance in his life. He says he’ll never leave me. He says it’s not my fault getting sick with migraines, but it is my needs that are overwhelming. I am so grateful for James. I will always take care of him, in the way I can. I love you James with all my all my being and soul.

I could never repay James for the time he’s lost in his life. I will do anything I can to help heal my husband. He needs me. I need him. We need each other.

I pray our relationship will heal and that James can find a way to make more income by not working as much. I pray for his health and happiness. This is a hard year for us with building the house and all that goes with that and all the moves we are making.

God, hear my prayer…I ask for a more conective realtionship with the man I love. Somehow we have grown apart. We are distant. I want our loving peacfeul relationship back. I want this more than anything. Please help us and I promise You we are doing everything we can. We are commited to doing whatever it takes. I can’t lose my husband. I will fight for his happiness and the freedom from being miserable. I want his soul to heal.

Thanks for for being here in this space with me. I am wishing you a good day today. Fight to have a fun day. ..do something special for yourself today…even for 5 mintues. Focus your efforts on fighting through the pain and living your life as best as you can. You’ve got this!!

-Your friend, Kimberly

My mantra- feel free to use it…

“I practice the Art of Living by sustaining Inner Peace”

Note to readers…I clearly am a horrible speller so please bare with me 🙂

Migraines Saved my Life, no really.

I woke up today with blood in my pajama bottoms…oh great my period is here. This is only my second period in I’ve has in 30 years. I was on the pill (birth control) for 30 years and never had a period. Strange I know.  It was medically necessary for me to be on some time of birth control. I went off the pill 3 months ago because I thought it could be contributing to my migraines.  Needless to say I’ve gained 7 pounds…I am in peri-menopause.  Joy.  My recent periods, this is my second, have not been fun. The last one lasted nearly two weeks. I’ve had PMS symptoms for the last week.  I’ve been bleeding steadily.  The PMS symptoms are not good for my migraines.  As far as I know, and from what I’ve been told, my migraines are not associated with my period.  Which, if my migraines were connected with my time of month, they say that migraines could possibly go away after menopause.  But, this I doubt will happen for me. I feel migraines saved my life and I’ve come to the realization that I may have this disease all my life. How disappointing I know. You’d think. Well, I am ok with this. I have had chronic migraines disease for 11 years…I have learned how to live with it and I have arranged my life and live each day, in a way that will decrease my migraine episodes and lower the amount of time it lasts.  I have been using this new AWESOME electronic device. It’s called Celafy (celafy.com). I start by cleaning my forehead and then I put the conductor tape on my forehead. The small 2 inch device (looks like a triangle) attaches to the tape and thus places the devices electrodes in place. There are two settings on the device I have. For an acute migraine, during an attack, the device session is for or an hour. You do this when you need it.  The other setting is for prevention, which this session lasts 20 min and you do this every day. Let me tell you this… I am so excited about this. I was in the emergency room a few weeks ago… I had “breakthrough pain” that wouldn’t go away with the meds I have to take at home. Now, know this; when I have break through pain and it turns into a full blown migraine, the migraines I have will last a minimum of 2/2.5 weeks to 3 months (at least that was my longest stretch). You won’t believe this…!  This recent migraine episode lasted 48 hours.   Holy crap that is amazing. That has not happened in 11 years. They did give me a different med cocktail in the emergency room from what they usually give me. That being said, the device, Celafy I was telling you about, I feel is kicking ass! So perhaps the new emergency med mix and the the Celafy device are really helping. This would be a fucking miracle. Know, the down side of the Celafy device is that it’s not cheap…my insurance does not cover it and I don’t think Celafy (the co.) takes insurance. You need to get a script from your doctor then you order Celafy online on their website (Celafy.com). For your information, they make three different Celafy devices. They make one for acute pain, one for chronic pain and one that treats both chronic and acute. I need the latter. It will cost me $499.00. If this therapy continues to improve my migraines then perhaps I can continue the use of Cefaly and get off some of my meds…in particular the steroids and narcotics. I do understand, fully, that the medication I am taking may shorten my life. I realize the pain meds and steroids I am on could lead to an early death, or an overdose.  I am ok with this. I am at peace with this. Truly I am. My husband and I have discussed this in length and often. He and I agree that it’s best for me to have a life (vs being in a dark room for the rest of my life) and to live each day the best I can. And if these treatments work and provide this for me, then I need to have them. Therefore we justify the therapy. I want to my enjoy my life and all its memorable moments and awesome experiences. I want to feel the joy of helping others. I want to experience my marriage grow even more than it has. I want to live into mycelder years with James. James (my husband) is extremely supportive. Thank God. Yes, I understand how lucky I am to have my husband as my care taker.  He is on my side 247. He takes me to the ER every month.  He comes with me to my doctor appointments. He is always empathic and he suffers as along side of me. Yes, those that love us suffer deeply thinking of our wellbeing, when we are suffering they get concerend.  James and my friends and family are always worried. Always asking me how I am doing and feeling and if I have had a recent episode, which I mostly answer yes. I feel terrible that my group of loved ones suffer in sadness and worry because they are so concerned about me. I am grateful to have such support in my life. On the other hand, I have lost relationships. There are people in my life that cannot deal with my disease and “don’t want to be bothered”. They never call to ask how I am doing. They have no idea how I am doing. How sad.  I live in a different state then my family. I see them every two years for about 4 days. When they visit, I stretch my limits.  I do things with them while they are here but I always get a migraine after they fo home and I end up in the emergency room. When I go home to visit I always end up in the closest ER, during my trip and also afterwards when I arrive home.  That really sucks. You can see how I don’t want to go home. I did not have the best childhood and I rebelled quite a bit. Always getting in trouble was my way. I will go into detail, in another blog post. My experience as a youth contributes to my migraines.  I’ve have been seeing therapist for several years, on and off. It’s like my memories are a non-stop Ferris wheel in my head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about it. Today I am feeling OK. Migraine is at 3. Or what I call a headache is for anything that is below a 5. I usally go to the emergancy room when my migraine is at a 7. I don’t wanto wait until it get’s higher, because that just meas more pain and will intensify while waiting to be treated at the hospital. I don’t want to eait until I am above a 7. I’ve been there to many times and it scares the hell out of me.

My local emergency room staff know me well. The doctors there know what I need and they treat me as quickly as they can. They  always give me the medication cocktail I need and they listen to what has worked for me, what has not and what I think I need during the visits. I know what works for me…I know which meds will not give me a rebound headache. Have you experienced that?  Oh jeez, that can be more severe pain then the migraine itself. When I go to the ER I feel at home. I know that’s nuts, but I know they will help me and bring my pain lower so I won’t continue to suffer. Rarely does my migraine go away after treatment in the ER. The meds wear off and the pain is still there. The pain is more than often decreased. What do I do when this happens, what can I do? I go see my doctor and she up’s my meds. Fortunately, when I feel better we lower the dose back to where it was.  I do not feel sorry for myself (well not all the time) and I do not want pity. That does not make me feel good. But, on the other hand I wish for, want and need the support of my circle. My friends and my AZ family are amazingly supportive. This is the group that worries about me. I hate,..well that’s a strong word, to be a burden on anyone. Sadly, I feel I am to my husband. For the last 11 years, my husband has put his dreams on hold. He is so busy taking care of me and his worry causes him stomach ulcers and stress skin disorders. Did I say he’s amazing? Migraines saved me from possible death…at the youthfull age of 35. I will detail this further as I continue to write this blog. They are a reminder to me to stay calm, be at peace always and find relaxation in the chaos of life. I am proud to say I have achieved this, but that can come and go depending on how much stress I am feeling. Here’s how I feel about having chronic migraines…they are not terminal…unless of coarse you have a diagnosed medical condition that is causing migraines. Migraines will not kill you (with the exception mentioned above) and frankly I find relief in that. If this disease is the only disease I have in my life, I am super fine with that. So many people are struck with illness at young ages. It can ruin their lives. Or people wait until they have something horrible happen to them to make changes in the right direction…like me. I thought I was kicking ass in my 20’s and mid 30’s..but all that energy and stimulation I had and all the roles I play, got the best of me.

I have to try and relax now. This is the latest I’ve stayed up in months. It is 7:00 pm. I am normally asleep on the sofa anywhere from noon-3:00 pm. My husband wakes me up for dinner. I eat on the sofa, put my plate on the ottoman and go back to sleep and sleep all night. My days last from 5:00 am to about 2:00 pm (on average). That’s 9 hours of time that I have to do what I need to do. Sounds impossible? Ha! – I have found a way to make this work, through trying all sorts of ways for the last decade.

I know this all sounds shitty and I don’t want you to be sad. Like I have said before..I am the most positive person I know. I find the silver lining in just about everything. So don’t you worry about me. I appreciate your prayers and support. Any who, I must whine down so I don’t get off my routine.  Until next time…may you see the sunshine in your situation. *With grace and ease proceed. Love, *Kimberly^