Become aware of your needs and enrich your life in all areas.

I wake to write today in a pitch-black travel trailer. It is 4:00 a.m. and we are now livening on our new property. I call it “property” bc we have a few acres and have no house yet. We have been living in my husband’s Brother’s travel trailer for the last week. It feels great to finally be living on our land. The problem is all the systems in the trailer itself are failing. In the last 72 hours, we have lost hot water, heat and, most electricity. We have one electric outlet that has power but cannot use both plugs at the same time. The electric heater we bought keeps shutting off and setting the breaker off. The only thing we do have, now…is the Internet. :). So I can finally write again. But without lights and heat, it’s no fun!

A few days late and with no more internet. Living on our property, in the trailer, has proved a no-go. We don’t know what’s wrong with it but we do have an idea and the owner needs to fix it.

We have just made our 4th move since May and have one more move to make…We are again in temporary housing at a friend’s home…gosh are we so lucky that everyone has been so hospitable. We’ve not had to worry as to having a homestay in. But we are unsettled and have been since May. It has been rough and very stressful. Having chronic, status migraines does not condone itself to not having a warm bed to call my own, or my own home to draw dark has been challenging to say the least. WTF…when will this be over. I’ve gone through all my pain pills…they are supposed to last me two months and they only lasted one 5 weeks. (It’s important to note that I am on a low dose of pain meds of which I do not take often. Except when there is a lot of stress in my life then I get “breakthrough” pain. I always have a migraine (lucky me), it hasn’t gone away for the last 12 years. Despite that and the bleak outlook that I will ever recover, I am still hopeful. It’s all about attitude. With a positive attitude, you can make it through any situation. Trust me.

On the positive-we are supposed to move into our mini-home the third week of December. At least that’s what they tell us. We were supposed to move-in September 1st!! omg. So my hope of this happening in the next couple of weeks is not great.

It seems my migraines have become more frequent but a bit less severe. Thank God. Although, I seem to be nauseous every day, all day. Yesterday I threw up all night but had no headache pain. My lifestyle is working to keep my migraines at bay as much as it can, but I am aware what we are going through is stressful. It seems life itself is stressful for most of us who are just trying to survive each day. A migraine can be so easily triggered that even those that can point to their migraine triggers still have attacks that come out of nowhere. I don’t yet believe I am getting better, bc I have had hopes before. I will take what happens to me, in stride and with a positive attitude, whether I am improving, in a holding zone or getting worse. I go through phases. For a few months I can stay out of the hospital then boom, for another couple months I am admitted much too often. I have months where my pain is controlled and I can be productive (or as much as I can be) and other months where I can do not a single thing but take meds, keep quiet, stay home, cry and cringe, vomit and suffer through the pain. I get nothing done during these times. I can’t be the wife I wish to be, the friend or I can’t be there for my family like I’d like to. I feel less than…of a person. ”

Faith has become one of my natural pain control methods. I believe in something bigger than us humans. I believe in “your kind” of Spritritualness and being calm and at one with myself; always being true to self and following where my needs lead me. I have attended over two dozen churches usually non-demonization churches and I do love the beauty of the more traditional Catholic churches. I was raised Catholic, my aunts and I joke that we are “recovering Catholics” lol. …still trying to come to reason with the guilt and often frightening way of the Catholic Church can leave fear and shame in you that stays with you forever. It makes you question your faith. Am I comfortable in this place? Does this place bring me joy? Do I grow here or am I being stagnant? Once I moved to Sedona, AZ I tried, but could not find a church I felt “right” in. Where I could be myself and a church that would accept all. I now find what I call my “glory state of spiritualness” here in Sedona. The beauty here fosters what most people call their Heaven. Regardless if they believe there is a Heaven. Most people feel the word “Heaven” refers to a final resting spot where we are at peace and joyful. Does that happen, that’s your opinion. My point being is that I have found my higher power in nature. And if I can do so, so can you. Daily walks (when I am not in bed), sitting in a park, watching the animals and feeling the sun on my body. I absorb even the smallest natural environments and much of that starts in my own home.

Is your home your safe space? If not-figure out why and choose to make changes for you to become more comfortable and worry-free. I always say you have to “clear the clutter” to make room for new furniture. This is a metaphor for organizing your home to be simple and easy to maintain and of course comfortless and what will bring you calm. You must have your “escape” to be in place before focusing on a new project,..including investing or improving your health. This is not possible for everyone and I get that. I shouldn’t speak. We are so unorganized right now, after being in so many temporary homes, we don’t have all of our stuff, and we are living in chaos with boxes and bags and it’s hard to find something.

Do you feel your home has good energy? If not-Sage your home or have it cleared by an Energy Professional. Does your home relax you? It is your sanctuary? It should be. The colors in your home should be light and uplifting, such as purples, blues, yellows, creams. Not brown or darker colors and bright colors such as a stimulating red or depressing black. Your home and what you put in it should refresh you after a long day. Do you have too much clutter in your home? Your home should provide you with good rest and it should provide as a place or rejuvenation.

Does your home hold-up? Ask yourself the above questions and be real. Take charge of your environment.

What is your spirituality like? Do you have faith? Most people refer to the word “faith” with religion or even organized religion. But there is a different kind of faith. Faith can be believing in yourself such as “I have faith in my strong body to fight for a better life”. “I have, within my body, the means to heal”. The more positiveness you bring into your life and your attitude, the more joy you will feel. Do something for yourself each day, even just for 5 minutes…this has been proven to enhance people’s lives in their career, relationships, self-love and so much more. Bring even a small dose of pleasure and joy to yourself will teach you to better take care of your self and truly, joy will saturate all areas in your life. That your situation could change for the better. If you believe whole-heartedly in hope and “your kind” of faith, you will carry it with you going forward. Yes, we all have depressed days and more of us have a lot more of it, but if you can maintain a positive outlook, you are more likely to reap positive circumstances in your life and your health. If you believe…it can happen. And the more positivity you infiltrate into your life, the more positives you will be rewarded with.

I have been told that I have a great attitude when it comes to my debilitating migraines and how it affects my life. My husband has said if it were not for my great and hopeful attitude, dealing with chronic migraines and what that entails, he would have not been able to continue to care for me and may have left me if I just crawled under a rock and be constantly depressed. I know this and it pertains to everyone in my life. So I do try, most of it comes naturally but not for all of us. I guess I’d have to give credit to the life I do have even with migraines. I am real with my healing. It may never get better and I may suffer for the rest of my life. I’ve had to come to terms with that. My life may be shorter than my husband, friends and my family, due to the medications I am on and their side effects. THAT’S OK! And my husband agrees. I would rather live a happier and freer life and enjoy what I can while I am living. I would much rather be on drugs (and plenty of natural therapies) than to have no life at all and be in bed 247- 365. THAT would kill me.

Do you have a calming home?
A calming bedroom?
Do you have faith and what do you believe in?
Become in touch with what you need to make yourself as comfortable as you can. This will not happen for you…you must take control.

One of the things I do when I am having an attack, I take my meds (I cannot drive on them) and I organize my sock drawer, cleaning out my wallet, maybe some light dusting. I have had this disease and felt this severe pain for years. And honestly, I have the meds to control most of my pain. I am so fucking tired of being stuck in bed and living in a dark room. I can’t take it any longer so I try and do light projects, then I will go back into bed.

Find what works for you, but please don’t stay depressed all the time. Have faith and hope, take control of your healthcare. Know what you need. Organize your lifestyle and life to do the things you can. Having a routine has helped me immensely.

That being said, I wish you the best I possibly can.

Until next time and with love and care for all those who have chronic pain.

-Kimberly (Sunshine)

Find the Sunshine in your life- you have it within you!

It’s happening… NOW

Feeing relief with Celery

I just hurried home from a doctor apt. (my new natural path) as while I was explaining to the doc my migraine history and I was feeling fine. Then it hit me like a bullet in-between my eyes…F*&K…is this happening again?

Side bar: I have been having migraines between 3-6:0 pm for the last 3 days, today being the 4th day and it hit again today earlier at 1:30 pm, while sitting with my doctor discussing the renewal of my medical marijuana license. Needless to say, she approved the renewal.

I briskly left the office and got into my car. I took out my pill case and took 4 ibuprofen, an RX for nausea and 3 pain pills and desperately headed home. The sun was bright and my eyes would only open a little. It was hard to see as my eyes would only open slightly. I started to perspire and slightly panicked …I knew I had to get home asap or I would have had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. It is fortunately a quick drive home so I knew I could make it. I needed my Celafy device and my cannabis as these are my acute fixes as well as ongoing use preventable remedies.

This recent migraine path has thrown me for a loop. It is very different than what I am use to. I am curious as to what has changed?

I am here, in my dark home laying on the sofa.  I am wearing my Celafy device but have not smoke cannabis yet…it’s hard for me to write when I smoke. I wanted to be as real as I can with you, sharing with you, in real time. I am finding that while writing this post I do not focus on the pain. This is so true for me; the more distractions I have while in pain, it takes my focus slightly away from the pain because I am thinking about something else. This helps me sometimes. 

Pain is at an 6..and if it reaches a #7 I will go the ER.  —I am grateful we live close to our local emergency room. And that’s on purpose!

My body is so tense and yet fatigued at the same time. I feel have too much energy and can’t calm down. It’s not productive energy, it’s more like nervous energy or pain energy. I am all wound up because I am scared. I am really very scared. I do not know how long this will last.  Will it last for 3 weeks or 3 months? What do I have to cancel tomorrow morning if I do not feel better soon? Again-screwing up my day.  But look, I am use to this. Really I am. I have crafted a lifestyle that helps to keep me calm and feeling good,..it’s been nearly 12 years since I’ve been dealing with this beast so I have learned what I can and what I can get away with. I never have packed days because I won’t schedule my days like that. I do what I can handle and I am so use to living with this that nothing really upsets me anymore about having migraines. I am never shocked.  I have not given into my disease. I am a fighter for all things I am passionate about..like my life for one thing. I have always been a doer. I learn from things and move forward with faith, hopefulness and excitement.  No doubt, when I go down, I really go down. And this does happen a lot for me but I feel my attitude helps me adapted to this debilitating life and the Lion in me fights for a better one.  One thing is for sure…I have faith in myself.

I think I should go take the rest of my medication…so I will stop writing and rest.

I will say that it is important to try and look for the ROOT of the cause of your illness…that is not in Western medicine …to look for the root. Western medicine (from my experience) manages symptoms mostly.  Natural-path doctors and Function medicine doctors search for the root cause that is causing the illness. For years and years I have wanted to see one of these doctors as I was hopeful they could find the true cause.  But, it comes down to $$$. Medical insurance will not and does not cover Homeopath or Natural-path treatment (which is absurb and ass-backwards if you thing about it).

The Natural-path doc I saw today encouraged me to seek this kind of treatment and I hope to see her again when soon. When you are on social security disability and are only able to work a little, for myself I tend to do the treatments my health insurance covers. I do what I can but my health care is not the only responsibility, although my biggest priority, I have a husband, we just bought land and are building a home, I care for our high maintenance dog (God love him!) And I run my own business (and trying to develop that).  I have friends and family who I never see that I’’d love to reach out too. No one calls me anymore…they let me call them when I am feeling ok to talk. Lonely, but realistic.

Do what you can for yourself. Do not be depend on others, all the time. Depend on yourself. Be positive and focus now what you can do, not what you can’t.  Have a good attitude. Take advance of what you have…use your body to move as much as you can. Keep your mind sharp and healthy by learning new and exciting things. Read, listen to music, meditate, breath, stretch, relax, be calm…but always be who you are 100% of the time. Replace the judgment you carry of yourself and replace it with curiosity. What can I do? What can I become?

Ok I am all out of steam. I must smoke my cannabis so I can eat and sleep now.

With love and care,

-Kimberly

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